There was an open mic time where people were invited to share what they were most thankful for in 2011. Some shared via a poem, some shared thanks in a way that was out of the box, for example: thankful for house repairs that needed to be done because it means we have a home. All during this time I struggled with getting up to share the most important thing God had done in my life this year. I just did not know for sure if I should or could because you feel quite vulnerable sharing something personal and I just did not know if I would be able to express it very well...and so I just could not get the courage to go and the time ended. I was on the worship team and as we were singing the second last song, I just felt like I was supposed to share it and again I really did not know how to do that when it really was not the time anymore. The song would end, Pastor Ron would give a blessing and we would sing the closing song. I was feeling more strongly that I should share and yet was scared as anything. Well, this time, pastor Ron paused for a bit before he was giving the blessing and I found myself asking if I could still share. And so I did with a shaking heart. Shared basically how all my life I have believed in God, loved Him and tried to serve Him as best I could. I knew in my head that God loves us but in the past few years God has revealed to me that I did not really know that in my heart or even know His love as a Father. I was actually surprised at that and did not even realize that. I thought I did. I had no trouble believing God loved everyone else but for some reason did not truly feel like I deserved or was loved just the way I was. I see now that I was always trying to be "good enough" or trying to be "perfect" before I felt I could be really loved either by God or even by others. God has taken me on a journey that has not been easy and though it has taken some time and slowly my heart was opened, it was only a few months ago when God used a series of songs and one song in particular to finally open the door completely to know His love was real and was for me too. I cry just thinking about it and how God patiently and gently moved me from this place of head knowledge to heart knowledge of His love. And that story is very similar to what I heard from Henry's uncle Nick, whose funeral we went to in Red Deer this past week. So moving and powerful to hear once again his testimony and the story at his funeral. God is so amazing that He cares so much for each of us and wants us all to truly know His love and works in each of us to bring us to that place...what grace to be loved just for who we are not what we think we should be...what a Big God he is!
I wish now that I had prepared something in writing to share because I felt like I was not clear when I was sharing and maybe was too emotional. Not sure if what I was trying to say was coming through. I also felt very vulnerable because you put yourself out there. And so, you second guess yourself wondering if you should have shared. Praying God had people hear what they should hear and not the fumbling for words that I felt. Following is the song that God spoke so powerfully through to me that June day...He IS my Father and He does love ME! May you too feel His love for YOU! That is what I am so thankful for this year...God's love becoming real.
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